The hardest thing I ever did was choose me. Who would have thought that choosing to go after everything God promised, would lead to the biggest mental health struggle I’ve ever had. Mostly because no one wants to hear that it’s hard, lonely, and scary. Like a roller coaster of emotions, and your always on the last row blind to what’s next. When I think about disappointment or hardship, I can think of so many things. However, there was a moment in my life that I learned to bottle it in, suck it up, and it’s such a pivotal point in me becoming an adult and how I handle things. It was the first time I ever cried over a boy. We were supposed to go to a homecoming dance together, but the same week he broke up with me and we weren’t going anymore. Even worse, rumor was he was going with someone else instead. This devastated me, because without him saying it, I felt that to him I wasn’t good enough, I wasn’t worthy. I remember the next morning I was ironing my school uniform, and I was quiet and probably distant too. My mom asked me if I was okay, and in that moment I attempted to discretely wipe my tears and muster up enough confidence to finally say, “ I’m okay”! That was the day I learned to not be expressive , because it would hurt too much to say what I felt or thought. It would hurt even more to have everything around me prove to me that everything I felt or thought was true. Honestly, isn’t that why we all say “I’m okay” when someone ask how are you. The truth, is only what we believe it to be. So to most, not saying it means it’s not ture. So fast forward to “living my best life pursuing new dreams / career” ! Well this has become the HARDEST time of my life. When I left my job that was draining me back in December 2016, I had no specific plan but was very optimistic. I ran for my life literally from the place I thought was my forever career at one point. Fast forward to now, I miss my check lol. I do, but that’s all I miss. I wanted to write this blog because I think some people forget to be grateful in the midst of what looks like a never ending storm. As I think on it more though, I realize that gratefulness leaves room for you to appreciate what you have gained and not what you have lost.
It’s a mindset that takes practice.
It’s such a fake it till you make it society that we start to believe that its reality. Fact is I’m not balling, but I’m blessed. I’ve learned so much over the last going on 3 years, than I had my entire adult life. The best things I’ve learned have come from finding light in darkness, and what really helps is expressing myself to the people I trust. You’ve got to ask yourself, “ am I being honest with the people I love, so that they can cover me in love?” We spend so much time thinking to ourselves, praying, hoping, wishing, speaking it into existence and yet in the depths of our hearts we are weeping. As Elsa would say, Let it GO, and I say let God.
We practice saying this, yet we worry, we lie to ourselves and others, we prepare for the worse. Prepare for your blessings by believing they are already done and demonstrating this through action. All that’s needed is a little elbow grease and patience. This has been my lesson for the last month. If I don’t go get it, it will never come. Maybe God wants you to just get up and stop thinking about getting up. Stop celebrating everyone’s success, and then praying for God to deliver the same in your life while you are still sitting on your couch. Don’t be detoured by those who have shown you they don’t love you, want you, need you. Focus on the ones who do. And when mama ask if you are okay, tell her no! This is where the healing begins.